Rats, Texting Grandmas, Extreme Haircuts and 5 page book reports

You know that commercial where the whole family is texting even the grandmother and we all laughed thinking who does that. ITS MY MOM! SHE IS THE GRANDMA THEY ARE REFERRING TOO! My daughter has my phone texting away. I ask the question that I already know the answer to but like to hear my self talk. So who you texting one of your friends? Nope. Had to do a double take cause old age is kicking in. So I had to ask for clarification. So you would be texting who. The reply I got was Gosh Mom you are so nosey its just Grandma. So if I didn't have to worry enough. I have a very social daughter that has a million friends she could text but chose grandma. I have a mom who knows how to text. GOSH!
The other daughter comes home and says can I bring home the class pet for the weekend. She asks while I am cooking, helping with homework and trying to hear Dr. Phil tell me how to get excited about my life. So I was like uhhh okay. Friday rolls around she gets in the van carrying a rat! Yep we were the home of a rat for the weekend. I must say that several threats came out of my mouth on the way home. Like YOU BETTER NOT OPEN THAT CAGE. YOU BETTER NOT EVEN THINK OF OPENING THAT CAGE. DON'T EVEN TOUCH THE CAGE.
I also gave out free hair cuts at my house last night. Sorry for the lack of invite. It was fun. Hair flying everywhere! My oldest asked to have his side burns trimmed. I granted that wish and then some. He got up with no side burns. I didn't get a tip or even a thanks mom. This is what I got. OH MY GOSH I LOOK LIKE I BELONG ON THE MOVIE BENCH WARMERS. So he wouldn't feel alone I put the youngest up in the chair who is crying real tears no mommy no please don't make me look like that. My intent was just to trim his but got carried away and he is sporting a nice new shaved look today. I tried to be positive and told him he looked like an army man now (which should have made him happy since he likes to pistol whip everyone) that didn't work what I got from him was MOM DADDY IS GOING TO KILL YOU. He insisted that I send his daddy a picture on his cell that way when he saw him the shock was warn off.
As for the other child who is in 5th grade. I told him to do his book report since it was due tomorrow. His reply was I don't know how to do a book report so I am just gonna wait. I said you are in the 5th grade and don't know what a book report is. He says nope I really don't. I said okay I will tell you so that you can sit down and do one for tomorrow. A book report is where you get out 5 pieces of notebook paper and write about the book. It is very important that you fill all 5 pages back and front and write small. It wasn't long before he remembered what a book report was and that the teacher told him to write only one page. This coming from the same child who said why can't you be like all the other mom's and just sign that I did my homework. Cause all the other mom's aint as mean as me. I have to work hard to be like this so get used to it.